The Mirror.

There's a stillness that surrounds me, not out of sadness, but rather a sense of peace. It's a peace rooted in who I am today and who I am growing into. There's something special about the number seven…

The number seven holds significance for many reasons. In India, it represents deep thinking and understanding. In the Bible, the number symbolizes divine order, appearing numerous times. Seven signifies perfection and completion; God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh.

On June 7th, Shannon turned 33.

To some, 33 symbolizes the "jesus year”…

Last year at this time, if you had asked me what this year would look like or what it would teach me, I would have never said:

1. Grieving, much like healing, ebbs and flows like the tide. Allow yourself the grace to take your time with it.

2. We are all instruments in the grand orchestra of life, and there is much we can learn from one another's melodies.

3. I have come to understand that sometimes rejection redirects me down a more fulfilling path, leading to unexpected opportunities.

4. I am solely responsible for my existence, and that realization is both liberating and daunting.

5. Solitude can masquerade as depression if I do not consciously embrace it; it is in that embrace that actual growth happens.

6. My father called to share the long-awaited news of his release after 32, almost 33 years—Welcome home.

7. God embodies clarity; confusion has no place in divinity—if you find yourself lost, trust the instinct to move on.

8. Stop reserving your finest perfume and your favorite outfits for 'special' occasions—each day is a celebration worth dressing up for!

9. Nurturing both my body and my mind through physical and mental workouts is essential for my well-being.

10. Growth includes welcoming new people, places, and experiences into my life, being open to the journey.

11. Cultivate gratitude for those who show up for you, regardless of whether they have been in your life for 14 years or 14 minutes; when they showed up matters most.

12. Focus on treating others with kindness rather than judging them based on materialistic concerns. Let go of the labels, y'all—it's time to grow up.

13. Is it possible to develop ADHD later in life? I can stand unnecessary noise.

14. Marriage should never be merely a formality; it should stem from a genuine choice made by two individuals in love, not from desperation.

15. Stop neglecting your own needs: understand your triggers, foster a relationship with yourself, understand your trauma, and learn how you react in various emotional states. Know what you need and seek support.

16. The Mirror: Throughout the years, I've encountered many books discussing love and the "three real loves of your life."Society often emphasizes finding that "one" or "soulmate," but how valid is that belief? Reflect on your first experience with love. Was it merely puppy love? In those moments, could anyone convince us it wasn't real? Love evolves across different phases of our lives. Jay Shetty elaborates on this beautifully. In life, we experience three types of love: the fireworks, the candle, and the mirror. Which one are you?

17. ... There's a difference between compatibility and chemistry…period. P.S. You can have chemistry with someone who doesn't like you. *DROPS MIC.

18. When you make choices, you may find yourself cast as the villain in someone else's narrative, and that's perfectly fine.

19. Accountability—no exceptions.

20. Sometimes, we play a role in our own pain; the signs were there.

21. I will always embody the voice of reason; it's your choice to keep me by your side.

22. It's not just about being honest or real; it's about conveying the hard things well.

23. My face will say it all.

24. If you lack depth, you won't thrive in my world; it demands substance and authenticity.

25. It’s all about Pivot and Posture baby. Pivot and Posture.

26. As we age, it becomes increasingly important to surround ourselves with a loyal support system for those challenging times, when parents fall ill or when life feels crazy. Who will be there for you at 3 a.m. or ensure you eat? Keep those people close.

27. I pray for a love that matches the emotional intelligence that God has in store for me—a connection that nurtures and evolves.

28. The way Bella side-eyes me when I come home late stirs guilt within me at times. How crazy it is that this dog, after all she put me through last year, has the nerve to judge! IFYKYK (Hope strikes again).

29. The problem is that y’all don't practice the 3P’s! Pray and listen to old-school R&B music ! Step up your music game and listen to the message in the music!

30. Moments and people can inflict pain, but we all carry our own burdens. It's okay if others can't always be present, but let's not intentionally hurt each other.

31. Just as swiftly as God grants us blessings, is as fast as you can get it (reread it slowly)— Stop doubting your worthiness for blessings. You are deserving of all that is good.

32. External peace may be fleeting, but internal peace is lasting—cultivate it to remain steady, enduring, and rooted amid life's storms.

33. To love me is a privilege—a cherished blessing that I don't take lightly.

Happy Birthday

Forever 6.7

Session 32:

The birth of the new year opened up like fireworks indeed. It sparked a moment of deep reflection. I had to lay out my emotions like a spread for Sunday dinner; was it hate I felt?

Why was I so agitated? How could I navigate these feelings with honesty and finally find closure? Shit, I actually thought I found closure a year ago; what is this spilling out everywhere?

These were just some of the questions that were swirling around my head.

If I had to be honest with myself, I know my main feeling was hurt. I felt hurt because I still had a bubble of hope, not hate. Last I could remember, we didn't even have beef, so why couldn't he just tell me?

Even with the brief time apart and a love so deep (at least deep to me), we would find our way back; at least, I thought so.

It was hard to admit, but it's the truth. I knew we were no longer together; that was a given. Life was moving in ways, but in my heart, I just knew we would one day run back to each other.

I should have known that wouldn't be the case when weeks of reconnecting and well wishes turned into silence, and the pending blue paragraphs just sat there…um hello?

I was ghosted by the one person who swore no matter what would always be there.

If there's anything I have always been, I have always been a vessel of emotions. Learning how much moving on occurred knocked me right back to April 2023; no one could tell me my world was not ending.

January 2025 took me by my heels and spun me around like never before. I instantly isolated myself, a much-learned coping mechanism in my thirties. After about 14 days of morbidly crying my eyes out and ruminating over the news, I realized how much I was torturing myself when this was something I prayed for.

I prayed for all who didn't mean me well to be removed, and they disappeared.

I prayed to walk in the guidance set forth for my life, and I'm walking in it.

I prayed for what had let me go to leave, and they left. So why was I so upset?

Well because what I didn't anticipate was the struggle to accept and process these changes. I wasn't prepared for the reality that the person I once loved so deeply would no longer be in my life, and I didn't know how to cope with that. I didn't foresee the difficulty of forgiving myself for loving someone so profoundly, only to find that the love wasn't reciprocated even after the relationship ended—after all, "he just needed time” and prior to the ending wanting to “wait until marriage for having more children”.

Initially, I felt I wasn't good enough for him to commit to a future with me, but I quickly dismissed that thought. Then, I felt the urge to investigate his new woman and family, but I stopped myself. It took a lot out of me, but I really stopped myself.

It wasn't about her. It wasn't about winning or losing. It wasn't about the stories we made up together about how our lives would be or about him needing time. It was just what it was. It was about acceptance. He had moved on, and I needed to let go of him—for real this time.

When I first met him at 23, I did not know what I was in for. When I think about it, that was 10 years ago. I was a baby. I did not understand what trust, betrayal, or depth was. I didn't even know what love, like real love, was. Love like praying for you kind of love. Love like seeing yourself through their eyes kind of love. I did not know about pain or joy, which are types of love that vastly differ when you are in a romantic relationship. Fast forwarding into a seven-year relationship and everything in between…shit got real, then it ended, and it took a toll on me. Worked through it, and then it resurfaced …

Again, through my reflection, I am realizing grief is so real and has depth to it—highs and lows, if you will. There are so many things you can learn from it. Like a breakup is just the surface part of grieving. The part of not seeing the person anymore is one thing. Not being able to touch or call them. But the deep part of grief is when it creeps up on you months and years later and knocks the soul out of you. When they move on and start a family, that story you mapped out with them, and they begin writing it with someone else, is the intense part of grieving. The deep part of grief is what it teaches you about yourself. This grief reminds me of what I was willing and wanted to do with him. The dark places I was willing to be with him. That's the valley of grief. What it pushes you towards is finding yourself.

Grief reveals. It uncovered to me just how much I offered unconditional love to him. Through this reflection, I know he has never experienced a love so deep, and it can be a daunting realization. But it is through this love that he will love himself and another thoroughly; that is the God-given truth.

With everything we have been through in our relationship and how I showed up, I know I can finally let him and this go.

It finally clicked; I did what I was supposed to do. I get it now. It finally dawned on me that an ending is an invitation to know yourself deeper, on both ends; to witness your shadows, and to tend to the wounds you contributed to creating.

You see, God has a funny way of teaching you about yourself and who you are to become through love. It took me a while to understand that the love I experienced was not supposed to be a forever love or a love to return to. It was supposed to be a lesson in love—a love to return to me.

To think I was so naive to want to change who I was before breaks my heart now. You look back sometimes, and you're like I was tripping or you feel shame or even get angry for putting yourself on hiatus, but again, you have to stop. You did the best you could before with what you had. Now you know, do better.

The profound love I have for myself and who I am today cannot fathom being under-loved by anyone. Thank the lord for growth! Subconsciously, I was waiting for the world to bring us back together at some point again. But the world made me realize that you don't lose pieces of yourself in love. What leaves is what was truly never yours to keep.

So, in this weird, healed, unhealed healing time, I embrace the "what is and what isn't" and continue to leave my heart open for love for myself and others around me. (My lifelines- I thank you for holding me up in times when I didn’t have the strength to.) Because at the end of it all, you have to eventually stop wondering why things didn't work out. Clarity happens over time. Peace comes with choice and when you literally just let it go, especially when someone chooses to go, alignment happens.

So stay true and authentic y'all, and watch everything unfold the way it needs to because I’m finally off that ride.

Shannon

Unlabeled.

If another person calls me difficult, challenging, or too much, I may scream…

Why is it that when women, including myself, assert themselves, it's immediately labeled challenging or too much? And then, to add insult to injury, I was told, 'You're going to have a hard time with a man, much less finding a husband’—Ew.

Am I to believe that women are just going along with whatever, and am I the only one who isn't passive? There's no way!

I want to be clear: I am not one of those extreme feminists who think all men are terrible. I do not believe that at all. However, I also encounter similar attitudes from women. Once again, someone said, "Shan, you are just too difficult."

I think I am offended.

While I don't need validation of my identity or womanhood, being told that I am viewed as "challenging" affects me deeply. Having just completed a year of singleness after a seven-year long-term relationship, I'm on a journey to become a better version of myself. I always believe in reflection and there’s always room for improvement. I contacted some of my closest friends to explore this notion and understand how they perceive me. Do they see me as challenging? More specifically, what does that even mean? Is my quest for love and connection destined to fail because I am perceived as too complicated? What exactly is considered "too difficult"? Why does this perception even exist?

Let's dive in.

This idea of being a difficult woman is not a new nuance to the world, but recently, I have come across more than one person saying this. A little about me: I tend to say what's on my mind. If there is not a word to ever describe me, it's the word passive. I have large eyes; I see everything, and I tend to say what others want to say but may not say for whatever reason -Did you catch that?

I am a firm believer in showing up as your most authentic self and the same time, I do believe in time and place for confronting matters. I have also been working on how I say things because, let's not front. Your message can be great; however, if it's not said in the right space with the right tone, who's listening? I am a vulnerable person, or what I like to call a Sensitive Savage.

In the dating world, I have learned assertion is not always deemed "ladylike." Digging deep with this notion, I found most of the men I speak to and encounter would describe me as a "high-value woman" and no-nonsense, whatever that's supposed to mean. They reference my accolades, which are not everyday accomplishments. How I speak, dress— because sis gets busy with a broche on my left shoulder, and more of having my own. My mother has raised me to be independently equipped because, baby—One thing no one can ever say is my hand is out looking for someone to take care of me.

My friend specifically focused on material things and said, "look at the car you drive." Most people can't afford the things you think are basic. ( His thoughts and feelings—not mine.) Throughout our discussion, he seemed pretty uncomfortable, likely due to the intensity of my facial expressions. The way I think about it is: When someone sets a deadline, like saying something needs to be done by 9 PM, I will look at the clock. If 9:02 PM rolls around and that task remains incomplete, I'll inquire, "Didn't you say 9 PM?" According to my subject expert, this sort of questioning or "holding up a mirror" can be intimidating for many people. It can cause them to feel as though they are walking on eggshells, especially if they are unaccustomed to being held accountable. This tendency is often labeled challenging, as I frequently find myself going against the grain of the status quo.

As someone who enjoys exploring the human psyche, I often watch and read about love and how people connect. In particular, I find some reality TV shows good for the soul, and I enjoy Netflix's "Love is Blind." Season seven features Marissa and Ramses, and their storyline caught my attention. Some may agree, while others may not, but when Ramses tells Marissa that her "energy may be too much for him" and ends their engagement on the show, I immediately empathize with her heartbreak. She breaks down, visibly crushed, and Ramses also shows his emotions. Their journey continues into the reunion, where she discuss the concept of being "too much" for anyone and admits even after him saying she was too much, she continued sleeping with him —_—. While the show includes many complexities, this line made me reflect on feeling "too much," as I have been told this repeatedly.

I hated how she embodied being "too much" for Ramses as a depiction of being too much for anyone as a whole because her love life is not where societal norms deems it should be at her age. While feeling pretty low, she continues to sleep with him which confused me. This portrayal made her appear as if she was somehow inadequate or excessive instead of embracing the uniqueness of her.

I honestly do not think that "being too much" is even a real concept. Everyone is different and holds various qualities about themselves. Some people click instantaneously, and some people don't. We must remember that people come from multiple walks of life where trauma, experience, time, and capacity can really make or break how we show up for ourselves and our relationships.—However, not fitting in with someone does not mean they are too much or challenging; they just may not work for you. In today's norm and what we see in the media, men and women have to fit this stigma, and when they don't, it's as if something is "wrong" with them.

Again, this isn't a space where I bash men because women, too, have told me how "difficult I am" and that I will have a hard time being with any man. According to a female subject expert, it isn't about my looks; however, I tend to "not let things slide" and…drum roll, please… I am not submissive enough…-_-.

I just want to say, If I feel uncomfortable with any situation and that we haven't communicated about, I'm not willing to overlook them. If I don't advocate for my wants and needs, then who will? Communication is essential. How can we grow and learn together if we can't communicate effectively?

Sigh—this submission talk gets me going.

For those in the back, including women, submission is not solely a feminine trait. It is mutual and encompasses selflessness and humility. Both men and women can and should be submissive to each other in a safe environment, which includes emotional and physical safety.

To illustrate, think of a body: a head and a neck. The head is responsible for thinking and observing, while the neck supports the head and allows it to move in various directions. Similarly, men and women should approach relationships with this understanding. Each person plays an important role and must work together to thrive effectively. Submission is not something you do with anyone; it requires a safe foundation. To create an environment conducive to mutual submissiveness, you and your partner must demonstrate leadership within the relationship and responsibility to one another.

For someone who is deeply intentional about every facet of life, particularly when rebuilding self after experiencing heartbreak, being labeled as challenging or "too much" can be hurtful. Yet, I take great pride in embracing a unique, elevated energy that sets me apart. What indeed sends me to the moon is the realization that while people often impose expectations, they may not possess the emotional or mental tools necessary to fulfill their very own requests.

Ultimately, we should dismantle the stereotypes and stigmas that surround individuals, with a particular focus on women, in my case, black women—being too much or difficult. Long goes the days when my voice is not heard, once respectful. In this digital age, where most communication occurs behind the safety of a screen, it's perfectly acceptable to express oneself verbally, even if that expression doesn't align with what others are accustomed to hearing. Authenticity should be celebrated, not stifled. Moreover, just because individuals express themselves differently doesn't imply they are inherently difficult to understand or interact with. Often, perceived difficulties arise from our own unprocessed emotions or insecurities. Acknowledging that making someone feel like they are "too much" is not just unfair; it undermines their authenticity. Bottomline, if my personality or presence feels overwhelming to you, you should seek companionship that aligns more closely with your comfort zone.

As I leave these thoughts here, the labels "difficult," "challenging," or "too much" often reflect our internal struggles rather than a truthful assessment of the other person. We tend to compare ourselves too much with those around us, and when we encounter someone who is unapologetically different or dares to challenge the norms we hold dear, it can evoke feelings of inadequacy. Instead of taking the time to introspect and recognize that these feelings are rooted within us, we may mistakenly project our discomfort onto others. It's crucial to understand that the real challenge lies in our personal growth and self-awareness rather than in the behavior or differences of those we encounter.

So until then, kill the stigmas, do the inner work, and stay true and authentic!

XoXo,

Shan.

The In-Between

Every time there's a transition in the weather, there's some type of transition in my mind and heart as well.

Seasons are special whether we like it or not, and this in-between season, between summer and winter(fall), everything seems out of whack, but is it really? Let's get to talking…

For one, I have not worked out in about three months, so I am trying to regain my footing with that and being healthy. I have been alone. Well, there's Bella, who's my gal, but I have literally been alone more than any other time I can think of. Summer's over, so I have been in the house, baby. I started waking up in the weirdest hours at night: 2:13am, 3:10am, and 1:45am. Granted, one of these nights, my brother woke me out of my sleep playing his ass, but the other times-I just ended up tossing and turning, thinking, and this time, I just started capturing my thoughts…

There's a chill in the morning air, making me snuggle closer to the velvet blanket, and six pillows surrounding me. I look up at the ceiling fan and reflect, and I mumble, "Lord, what do you have in store for me?" In this self-discovery phase of my life, I have struggled with the notion of always being in control of things, and since time is of the essence, I have struggled with finding joy in my waiting season.

As we all know, waiting is never enjoyable, especially when you have a dream or vision of where your life should be. We've talked about this before: By the age of 28, I expected to be a successful attorney, married to my exceptional husband with children, and on the path to becoming a partner. However, life has taken a different turn from this vision...

Nonetheless, what happens when this dream, the one you have envisioned since you were five and prayed for, does not happen? You begin to wonder, am I praying hard enough? Does God hear me? Bruh, you even start questioning if you did something wrong because you did it right after all?- You finish school, get all the degrees, and show up as the best version you can, and still, this dream you have does not populate in real life…

The waiting season should not be too unfamiliar to anyone; whether we are waiting on the home of our dreams, the love of our life, children, or a job, it is difficult to wait. Faith is being tested at an all-time high, but lowkey, I think I am finding my footing with my in-between seasons. I had to really hone in and realize that just because it's not happening right now does not mean it will not happen. Timing is everything, and as you get closer to yourself and your spirituality- you realize how important it is. One, time waits on no one, and two, timing is key with everything. It is also about how we see things; we may want things in a specific way, not realizing we have received what we envisioned but in a different way. Lowkey, one of my prayers has been removing people not for me as I envisioned my life. Lo and behold, there are people that I would have always thought would be there suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. I just told you how secluded I have been recently, right? Being alone does not mean I am lonely; I am just vibrating on a level not everyone can be with me, which is okay.

The in-between season is more than just a period to endure; it is an opportunity to pursue my life. This involves discovering what makes me the healthiest, happiest, fullest, most present, most confident, and the best version of myself and allowing the right people, places, and things to come my way—in that order, honey. While I'm not a therapist, my ultimate aim is to understand myself and stay true to that. Self-awareness enables confident decision-making, prevents stagnation and fear, and fosters independence from others' opinions (especially when they don't even know themselves; come on, give me a break).

Let's ground ourselves in this in-between season, even though it feels like an eternity. Doing so will make us consistent and faithful and provide the stability necessary to pursue our endeavors- love, career, friendships, or fitness! I plan to stay grounded by being authentic. The plan is to Steady. I'll steady to be the person who speaks honestly, even when it's tough to hear, and speak with intention because, let's be real—things tend to slip out of my mouth. I'll steady myself to stop overthinking and trying to control everything (I'm a work in progress). I'll steady in writing because I need to reconnect with my passions! I'll own my areas for improvement and remain faithful that everything will come to me as I wait with open arms.

Stay steady and true, y'all!

-Shan

Saturn’s Return…again?

My thirty-second birthday is here, and I tell you, since turning thirty, my life has been taking me on a ride—a literal hayride. Not me waking up on my birthday with a charlie horse, nah this is me getting old?

In the most recent months of my life, I keep hitting pivots, twists, and turns—and it has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. As I move into this decade as gracefully and unscathed as possible, I find myself questioning who I am, what kind of woman I want to be, and who will be alongside me on this journey.

Birthdays have always been special to me. If you know me, then as a fellow Gemini, one of the most hated signs in the world, I do the absolute most because, of course, It is the day my presence was blessed to the world! But this year was different for me. This year I did not plan a thing, no outfit no outing, NUDDING.

Usually, I am determined to be on a flight, at a party dancing away, or something, but this year, I said screw it! I found myself trying to plan and accommodate others to celebrate me, and it is one of the most draining aspects of celebration. Instead, I have and will continue to be pretentious about how I feel and what I want, and to be honest, this year, I just wanted to be at peace and have love. It sounds cliche, but hear me out.

When I say peace, I mean that. I just wanted to feel content within myself and the energy I exuded. Falling into silence and basking in it. My brain and body these days have been on different wavelengths, and I am fighting hard to maintain that balance. I want to provide a safe space for myself to be who I am, express myself, and keep showing these teeth, hunny! I want to create the peace that I so require; the people I speak to daily, my job, my family, and one day in my love life (whenever I get one again) will all be what I need it to be…for Shannon.

One thing I have been experiencing with this growth is loneliness. No one tells you that when you begin to grow, reflect, and see people for who they are, you shift away from the noise. Which then leaves you with that one friend or by yourself. This season of isolation was hard for me to accept for a while, but now I get it. Difficult times and isolation make you see the value in everything, though. You take in the breeze more, slow down, and experience a lot of silence. In a sense, it’s like you wake up, and the puzzle is finally coming together.

So, as Saturn has reached its solar return, I am embracing the stillness. Have you ever thought about when a big storm will come and how quiet it gets? Yeah, I am about to witness a significant shift soon because right before every storm, there is calmness. Once the storm clears, the sun appears. I am embracing solitude because the noise blinds you. I am getting to it together!

As my birthday is blooming into full effect, here I leave you all with thirty-two gems that are important through this journey of adulthood:

1. Move towards ease and stop resisting the change…

2. Express yourself to the fullest, even when it’s hard and uncomfortable. Stop holding things and building resentment. It really just makes things worse.

3. Take things and people!!—at face value. Stop making excuses for others when they aren’t up at their best.

4. Lay that—ish down! Especially when you know you reached out and tried. Sometimes, people are just not ready, and that’s okay. Lay it down, y’all!

5. No one tells you how lonely growth is. So, I am here to tell you to brace yourself, and nothing is wrong with you. You are just expanding, exploring, and exuding.

6. People will come into your life when you least expect them to and be amazing to you, for you, and everything in between. They won’t want from you. Embrace it.

7. When you least expect it will leave your life for all reasons, let them go. Rejection can be protection!

8. Say hard things well. Most of the time, it isn’t the message but how we say things that people tend to remember (one of my biggest learning lessons). But also be aware of when people just aren’t ready to handle the truth.

9. Have Boundaries, just because someone treats you better does not mean it’s well.

10. Be kind! For the most part.

11. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean the behavior was okay. It means you are moving forward and healing. It is time to move forward.

12. Sometimes, what we think we want isn’t what we need. Be open to learning.

13. Get out of your head and say what you have to say. If they get mad, it’s okay, but if they listen and compromise, it’s so worth it.

14. Please bucket who your friends, acquaintances, and lifelines! Not everyone wants to see you successful! Not everyone should be in your home.

15. Have good morals—keep your hands and heart clean. Remember, everything we do somehow comes back to us.

16. You should have good people around you from whom you can learn. If you are not learning from them, then what’s the point?

17. Sometimes, the people closest to you are jealous of you. Run!

18. Please exercise discernment. Use your frontal lobe! Stop defining and interpreting things based on your definition/perspective. Everyone has their own opinions.

19. Stop lying to spare people their feelings; most of the time, the damage is worse because you are withholding the truth.

20. Learn how to communicate in all forms! Texting is not the only way to talk y’all. Please stop hiding behind words and open your mouth. Hearing words and reading words can make or break a conversation.

21. Love … hard, truthfully, and with all of your being. Focus on the people that love you back. Hold them close.

22. Grieve…

23. Heal… it comes in waves, but do it.

24. Read the room…

25. Take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

26. Stop searching for love. It’ll fIt'llou…and that in friendships, family, and romance!

27. Stop comparing your life to others yall!

28. Social media is not accurate (I am yelling at you) -_-.

29. Stop playing in people's faces! If you are not ready for what they want, please leave people alone.

30. Be cautious of how you speak to yourself!

31. Cry…

32. And last but not least, live y’all— in the most authentic way.

Cheers to another year around the sun! To another 32 times infinity!