Saturn’s Return…again?

My thirty-second birthday is here, and I tell you, since turning thirty, my life has been taking me on a ride—a literal hayride. Not me waking up on my birthday with a charlie horse, nah this is me getting old?

In the most recent months of my life, I keep hitting pivots, twists, and turns—and it has been hitting me like a ton of bricks. As I move into this decade as gracefully and unscathed as possible, I find myself questioning who I am, what kind of woman I want to be, and who will be alongside me on this journey.

Birthdays have always been special to me. If you know me, then as a fellow Gemini, one of the most hated signs in the world, I do the absolute most because, of course, It is the day my presence was blessed to the world! But this year was different for me. This year I did not plan a thing, no outfit no outing, NUDDING.

Usually, I am determined to be on a flight, at a party dancing away, or something, but this year, I said screw it! I found myself trying to plan and accommodate others to celebrate me, and it is one of the most draining aspects of celebration. Instead, I have and will continue to be pretentious about how I feel and what I want, and to be honest, this year, I just wanted to be at peace and have love. It sounds cliche, but hear me out.

When I say peace, I mean that. I just wanted to feel content within myself and the energy I exuded. Falling into silence and basking in it. My brain and body these days have been on different wavelengths, and I am fighting hard to maintain that balance. I want to provide a safe space for myself to be who I am, express myself, and keep showing these teeth, hunny! I want to create the peace that I so require; the people I speak to daily, my job, my family, and one day in my love life (whenever I get one again) will all be what I need it to be…for Shannon.

One thing I have been experiencing with this growth is loneliness. No one tells you that when you begin to grow, reflect, and see people for who they are, you shift away from the noise. Which then leaves you with that one friend or by yourself. This season of isolation was hard for me to accept for a while, but now I get it. Difficult times and isolation make you see the value in everything, though. You take in the breeze more, slow down, and experience a lot of silence. In a sense, it’s like you wake up, and the puzzle is finally coming together.

So, as Saturn has reached its solar return, I am embracing the stillness. Have you ever thought about when a big storm will come and how quiet it gets? Yeah, I am about to witness a significant shift soon because right before every storm, there is calmness. Once the storm clears, the sun appears. I am embracing solitude because the noise blinds you. I am getting to it together!

As my birthday is blooming into full effect, here I leave you all with thirty-two gems that are important through this journey of adulthood:

1. Move towards ease and stop resisting the change…

2. Express yourself to the fullest, even when it’s hard and uncomfortable. Stop holding things and building resentment. It really just makes things worse.

3. Take things and people!!—at face value. Stop making excuses for others when they aren’t up at their best.

4. Lay that—ish down! Especially when you know you reached out and tried. Sometimes, people are just not ready, and that’s okay. Lay it down, y’all!

5. No one tells you how lonely growth is. So, I am here to tell you to brace yourself, and nothing is wrong with you. You are just expanding, exploring, and exuding.

6. People will come into your life when you least expect them to and be amazing to you, for you, and everything in between. They won’t want from you. Embrace it.

7. When you least expect it will leave your life for all reasons, let them go. Rejection can be protection!

8. Say hard things well. Most of the time, it isn’t the message but how we say things that people tend to remember (one of my biggest learning lessons). But also be aware of when people just aren’t ready to handle the truth.

9. Have Boundaries, just because someone treats you better does not mean it’s well.

10. Be kind! For the most part.

11. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean the behavior was okay. It means you are moving forward and healing. It is time to move forward.

12. Sometimes, what we think we want isn’t what we need. Be open to learning.

13. Get out of your head and say what you have to say. If they get mad, it’s okay, but if they listen and compromise, it’s so worth it.

14. Please bucket who your friends, acquaintances, and lifelines! Not everyone wants to see you successful! Not everyone should be in your home.

15. Have good morals—keep your hands and heart clean. Remember, everything we do somehow comes back to us.

16. You should have good people around you from whom you can learn. If you are not learning from them, then what’s the point?

17. Sometimes, the people closest to you are jealous of you. Run!

18. Please exercise discernment. Use your frontal lobe! Stop defining and interpreting things based on your definition/perspective. Everyone has their own opinions.

19. Stop lying to spare people their feelings; most of the time, the damage is worse because you are withholding the truth.

20. Learn how to communicate in all forms! Texting is not the only way to talk y’all. Please stop hiding behind words and open your mouth. Hearing words and reading words can make or break a conversation.

21. Love … hard, truthfully, and with all of your being. Focus on the people that love you back. Hold them close.

22. Grieve…

23. Heal… it comes in waves, but do it.

24. Read the room…

25. Take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

26. Stop searching for love. It’ll fIt'llou…and that in friendships, family, and romance!

27. Stop comparing your life to others yall!

28. Social media is not accurate (I am yelling at you) -_-.

29. Stop playing in people's faces! If you are not ready for what they want, please leave people alone.

30. Be cautious of how you speak to yourself!

31. Cry…

32. And last but not least, live y’all— in the most authentic way.

Cheers to another year around the sun! To another 32 times infinity!

Saturn’s Return…

As the new year began, I found myself in this state of frustration.

Frustrated with many things, beginning with myself and not feeling like I am where I would like to be at this age…I know, I know, I need to stop with the timeline stuff. Frustrated with Ezpass and NYC because it's hectic out here with having a car and the amount of money it's draining out of my pockets. It's been costing literally hella funds to work or survive as an adult, especially as inflation is on the rise, and who the hell taught us about financial literacy?

It's frustrating that I haven't gotten a raise for how long. After all, I chose to opt out of private entities and work for city agencies because I believe in ‘public systems’ (you should see my face writing this). Because I have a dream…I want to work and make a change in the community (slaps my forehead)…yet there’s no raises, no COLA’s at least in my sector and i’m out here just winging it…I gotta make a change.

Frustrated with my leg because, oh yeah, I opened up the new year by opening up my kneecap. Frustrated because I felt like I have so much to say and couldn't get the words out. Frustrated with my creativity or lack thereof. Frustrated with love and my heart because I have so much of it bottled up inside of me and literally have no one to give it to. I just want to take care of somebody's son y’all (I'm cracking up as I write this; cues Shalamar's song, This Is for the Lover in You).

Frustrated with the world and its politics, crime, violence, racism, red tape, and everything in between, I just want to scream sometimes. I literally feel bad for my therapist because she just stares at me like Sis, I don't even know what to say to you except breathe.

I took a minute from drinking and everyone this month because I literally have been in this state for some weeks, and if there is one thing about me, I need to check myself because I do not want to rub off on anyone. Secondly, I have no idea what to do with it or myself. I call "it", "it" because I feel like if I can name "it," I can define "it". I can understand "it" and throw "it" away-once I dissect what the hell Is going on with me.

I have been just sitting in silence a lot, staring, really just trying to piece together all of my thoughts and not knowing how to explain this weird space I am in. I try reaching out to friends and family, but I am still unable to really put my space into words, which has frustrated me even more. I guess I realize everyone is in this weird space as well lately.

While I was home festering over my knee surgery, I found myself in and out of a lot of feelings, and before anyone can understand any of my rants, they gotta understand my passion, and to do that, I have to label how I'm feeling. So, for one, I have been feeling:

• Hella alone:

The surgery opened up a ton of old and new feelings. Some about my breakup last year that shook my shit to the core. The last time my knee was shot- I wasn't single, and I had my person at that time help me through physical therapy and learning to move again. I felt hella vulnerable this time like I couldn't do it. I was grateful for my family, especially my mom and the friends who checked on me. It showed me that I didn't need any romantic relationship to get through this. I could depend on myself even when it was hard. I realized this time it's okay because I can label and pinpoint that it still hurts from time to time. I think it still stung though because of what I had hoped for then and how it ended up being. I had moments of wanting to be cuddled but refused to let self-pity take over-I think. I felt what I felt, which was hella uncomfortable, but I dealt with it…as best as possible.

• Hella unfocused:

I just finished another degree, so my desire to do anything with school is the furthest thing from my mind; however, my passion for community and service drives me daily. I find myself still swooning through the woes of the past, career moves, investments, stocks, retirement, financial gains, marriage, children, traveling, and normative constructs. I am trying to make the best decisions for my life, and of course, there’s no blueprint, realizing I have to bust a move and take a risk. I need to choose one focus at a time, and everything else will all fall in line one after the other.

• Hella closed off:

During 2023, I was maneuvering through various transitions new to my body and me. I literally kept moving. I didn't want to face the music of loss. I didn't even fully feel my pain when I think about it; I didn't want to. I also didn't want to sit in any discomfort. So, as I sat for the first time in months, I realized the silence began to bother me because I was forced to think about everything. So as I was sitting in my discomfort with my opened ass knee and heart, everything came crashing the hell in at once, pouring all over the place. Here comes the work.

Now, I have words that are just pouring out, feelings that are all over my nervous system, but they aren’t really making any sense. I needed to organize my thoughts. I needed to reorganize my mind and, in a sense, my life lord. First things first, not only did I need to rehabilitate this knee of mine, I needed to rehabilitate my mind. I needed to plan and prioritize. I began to welcome new people into my life, and I was amazed to find that some of them brought precisely what I needed during that time, a sense of calm and comfort.

• Hella unhealthy:

When I think about health, I think about working out, movement, and nutrition; I also think about energy, people, and spirituality. As I lead heavily into my thirties, I lean heavily into prayer, good people, and balance. I realize slow ghosting, as our forever First Lady Michelle Obama has used, is an excellent ass tactic for energy works for me. Respectfully, if it doesn't align with all the G's…God, good vibes, looking good, good energy, and the good list continues… it can stay where it is, and I am moving along. There is no judgment; it just doesn't work for me. My prayers have become more intentional as I have asked to be refined. Removing all people and things that do not wish me well. As I continue to have this intentionality for myself, I have become closer to people I would have never dreamed of being closer to. People who I would have always thought would have been in my corner have been the most distant. In this refinement, I also ensure that I pray for preparation for all that I ask for because one thing I am learning, baby, I will not mishandle anything that is for me!

This month has been the longest month I have ever felt in a long time. Each day felt like a week, and as I settled in, I realized I was just grieving hella shit. As morbid as many people would say it is or I am, I think that's okay. Or hell, I am giving myself permission to slow down and just be; to grieve disappointment. To grieve where I thought I would be at the time of my life and who I thought I would be with. Grieving friendships that ended or how I thought it would have been.

I realized during this month there were hella peaks and pits, and I have been trying to love myself through the grief and each pit. Learning to love yourself through each pit is more challenging than you think because we have been conditioned to love only the highs and pretty things of life. Someone used to tell me you have to enjoy the process too. So let me feel the feelings I feel so I can go through the process of where I am because:

1. I was told I talk too much (Let me use these words and teach you something then)

2. Let’s grow because baby…I just CANNOT DEAL.

Finally, I am learning to clear away all the dust and make room for Saturn's Return because there is so much room for much more ahead.

Until next time y'all…Stay authentic.

The Three P’s…

From seeing who people are, losing love, and my safe space -pivoting, prayer, and push was my mantra for 2023 going into 2024…

As winter ramps its ugly head, I can only reflect on how far I have come this year. The season I have embarked on is about alignment. Aligning with my womanhood, gifts, and, most of all, my purpose. Everything has to align with my faith and values in the season of my life. Another step closer to the person I need to be, I realized I needed to work on the art of forgiving. 

I was tasked with writing a letter for my father's appeal earlier this year, and for the life of me, it was one of the hardest things to be asked to do. As a person who thinks I have a way of writing, this letter took me about a month to complete, and I realized it was because I was in a state of unforgiveness. Who would have thought that something so simple is one of the most challenging concepts to master? 

As a child, we are taught to say "sorry" if we hurt someone or did something we didn't mean. But really, have we been introduced to forgiveness? Can we actually say we saw someone truly forgive and move forward? Have we actually seen someone master forgiveness where they never brought up that hurt again? Not get an apology and still move on? I know I haven’t.

According to the Oxford Dictionary of Languages, to forgive, since it is a verb, is defined as the release of resentment or anger. Tyler Perry stated, "Forgiveness is freeing oneself to move on." Well, boy, I tell you, I have been angry and stuck. As I fall deeper into my womanhood and faith, I have taken a deep dive into learning how to move forward and forgive people. Really, when I think about it - I am on a train ride to Forgiveness Land. Starting with childhood and moving forward, I can learn how to do it with everyone. Who knows how far this train will take me, but it's worth a try. First stop on this train, good old Dad. 

Many have faced pain and hurt, saying, "We don't care; it is what it is." But the truth is, we hold onto that pain. It takes immense courage to confront and come to terms with our feelings. Writing our truth is not easy, but it is a powerful tool for self-reflection and growth. This letter I wrote became a testament to my strength and his character, humility, and honesty. Despite the trauma caused by my father's incarceration, I have refused to let it define me. Instead, I have sought help through prayer, therapy, and self-reflection. It takes great courage to face our fears and seek help, and I am proud of myself. The journey of forgiveness is never an easy one, and it is often filled with difficult questions and self-doubt. However, it is a journey worth taking. By digging deep and pushing through the pain, we can find peace and understanding that we never thought possible.

Through my life experiences, I have gained the understanding that most individuals try their best with the resources and abilities they possess. This realization has enabled me to perceive people and situations in an impartial and objective manner. Despite facing challenges in managing my negative emotions, I am constantly motivated to improve myself and strive towards personal growth. As I have grown older and entered my thirties, I have come to appreciate the significance of looking beyond appearances and building a small yet strong support system of individuals who encourage and inspire me. With the right people in your life, it becomes easier to forgive and evolve.

I would be dishonest if I said that I have fully come to terms with everything that has happened, but I have managed to complete the letter and fulfill my responsibilities towards my father as asked. As for everything else, it is solely his responsibility and the result of his actions. I have managed to work through my negative feelings of loss this year. Most importantly, I am forgiving myself. Forgiveness is a daily practice that one needs to master, and I am doing my part to move forward by accepting what is and letting go of what I once thought. I hope it becomes easier as I become more self-aware. As we approach the end of this year, I can see how much I have dealt with and grown. Here are my little gems from 2023:

• As I try to remain delicate, I know what I went through was for the greater human in me.

• Take everything in strides; where is the discernment?

• Remember, people's decisions and actions reflect them and their fears; most of the time, it has nothing to do with you.

• Hold onto the ones that value you.

• It's okay to leave people and things right where they are…and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Just be.

• People gonna hate…

• Be open to new people!

• For everything you have asked for, continue to have an open mind. Things come when you least expect it.

• Be willing to learn or unlearn.

• And lastly, Staying prayed up because people are hella whack.

May this last post of the year inspire you to face your struggles with courage and honesty. Remember that you are not alone; with determination and perseverance, you can overcome anything that comes your way. Happy New Year, Y’all!

Until next time…stay authentic…

Heavy as The Head that Wears The Crown.

I haven't been able to write for a while because I know what will come out, but what's the point of blogging if you're not going to be authentic? So, regardless of where my fingers and mind take me, I am going to be transparent and open…

I have been intentional about healing and moving for the last few months. Definitely took a break from even social media and became introverted. Needed to clear away from all the alls. I don't know if that was good or bad, but I know it was required. As I began documenting and capturing moments, the pain from writing or even my mouth was intriguing. I have been in a state of reflection, dedication, and sorting. The battle of healing is a funny one. It shows up in the darnest ways, but then, like a wave, one hit can set you back. But we are here, and I am ready for all that is coming my way.

"I am summering like it's 2015 again…"

I remember telling my friends this as I awoke from that terrible era of bruised love.” As I remember vividly, the summer of 2015 was one to remember. I was traveling, my skin was glowing, and I was outside doing everything! I was vibrant and light. This summer, I was determined to get to know Shannon again, as exuberant as I was then, only more experienced now. As the weather shifts, fall is approaching more swiftly than we would like (I love the fall for fashion). I am pretty sure so is my mindset. This summer was one for the books, I tell you! I found myself adventurous, spontaneous, shifting, and extremely honest. Another takeaway from this summer: "Can you provide what I require?" That was a question I asked myself, people, places, and things, and I am here for it! I had my share of digesting what we would call "humble pie," too. I had to take a few shortcomings on the chin. We will save that story for a later date, though. However, this summer was vital for me as I needed and wanted to embark on contentment. With my world ending at the beginning of the year, figuratively speaking, of course, I took a moment to reinvent who I was, and sis ended up visiting her father in prison after 14 years… I mean, why the hell not, right?

In my defense, the pandemic had taken a toll on visitation, so individuals weren't allowed extended visits for some time. We decided waiting would be best since he was so far from civilization until the COVID-19 ban was lifted. Nonetheless, y'all know I did not like a better excuse than not going see this man. I could not understand how people would make this a joyous event. I remember the first time I saw him; I was 17 years old, tearful, messy, and panicky. My poor mother had no idea how to help me with this one. It was a terrible experience, tucking my clothes, wearing my stepfather's shoes, and waiting after pedigree. Back then, one of the most vivid aspects of the visit was the slamming of the gated bars. That was a sound that resounded with me. Once the visit was over with my father, I high-tailed my happy ass out of the prison, vowing never to endure that scrutiny again. I knew I was never coming back. It was too emotional, gut-wrenching, and damn right, just scary for the 17-year-old that grew up forming a relationship with her father via letters and phone calls. Then, your girl worked for different corrections facets over the years. Falling in love with the idea of justice and fairness. Only to be able to work with people in the same circumstances and hide behind my own fears by visiting him.

Fast forwarding to now, I am unsure, but I woke up on my birthday and said I would visit my father and do it by myself. Maybe it was the bruised love where I gathered the strength from this year. Perhaps it was the sense of losing it all but still breathing? Maybe it was even me realizing my father has served 31 years in prison, and how would I feel if he were to die when I only seen him once? Walking into 31, I knew I wanted to do something different.

I only told a few people that I was embarking on this journey. One of the concepts I battled with was if he died in prison, how would I feel not seeing him when I have nothing but space and opportunity? I also worked in a jail for about two and half years, where it's not the same, but at the same time, it's relatively similar. These are the comparisons I used to get me through this journey.

It was July 8th, a week after my father's birthday. I woke my adventurous ass out of bed ( I had a night of vices and pep talks the night before) and loaded my car to set off for my journey. It was an hour ride, and during that ride, I had my closest friends in my ears cheering me on because they knew my scary ass would have turned that car around. As I drove and took in the scenery, I played the best hits of R&B from Freddie Jackson to Peabo Bryson to calm me down. I approach the military-looking area to find a desolate, quiet place and no one in sight. I’m nervous as hell, sweat dripping down my back because Lord knows I don’t want to do this. I parked as I came to the entrance and picked up the phone from this black box ( like I am in a goddamn scary movie) to hear someone say, “drive to a white building for visitation.” In my head, I am like, what the hell kind of system is this? But I was determined. Let's say this: I got there at 10 am after driving around this godforsaken place to find his camp, going to my car five times to change my bra, shoes, and shirt, and leaving items in the car. I finally made clearance and was seated, waiting for my father by 12 pm. At this point, call me bacon because I was cooking. It was like the hottest day of the year, and of course, they had me seated and waiting with no AC on… Looking around, my dumb ass forgot to bring cash with me to get food and drinks for the vending machines; they need to update that system. It is 2023. So I waited, hungry and in thought. Looking at the different blend of people. Fathers holding their children, laughing, talking, and, I guess, making the best out of the situation. Then there's me, sweating, nervous, wondering if I look nice, wondering if I am ever going to make peace with this part of my life. I wonder if he looks the same, older, maybe? Am I even doing the right thing?

My father finally enters the visiting area, looking pretty spiffy. Clean cut, clean boots, gold chain shining, and, of course, a wide smile. This man introduced me to the officers and some of his 'friends,' and I just smiled. I’m awkward but in awe of the calmness and institutionalization that he embodies. It weakens me. I sympathize with how much this is to take in. We sat for a few hours, of course, just talking. If there is one thing going between us, it is our conversations. Of course, he asks about him being a grandfather, dating, and marriage. Talk about pressure. I look down at my left hand and say sorry, sir, I am not married and have no babies yet…heavy on the yet. We had a long, intense conversation about marriage and why he doesn't believe in it. He dates back to him growing up and seeing his mother (my paternal grandmother) leaving his father, as he puts it, when the chips were down. Separating the family because his father could not financially provide as well as he once did, and safety was a significant concern during his time where they lived in Jamaica. In a sense, his mother deciding to move when he was at the tender age of 16 appeared to taint his view of women, marriage, and vows. He grew hyper-independent, which is a coping mechanism for trauma. Ultimately, that hyper-independence seemed to have much to do with how he got here, but what do I know? It's interesting the dynamic of the conversation. Here I am, a firm believer in love, and God will bless me with a man who will love and appreciate me and my depth. As I wait for the blessing to come my way, I look at my father and realize he never wants to feel that depth I long for, at least from a person. I then wondered if my upbringing, or lack thereof with him, left me with this desire to have a love so deep. I have to bring this up in my next session.

It was nice to see him and to be honest, it was not as bad as the first time, except I was sweating like a thief. I gave him a sincere hug and high-tailed it to my car. I really do not like doing the visits. I hit the highway, and the skies open up with crazy rain. Another reflection: it always rains when I see him. Coincidence, maybe, but in a sense, I think it's a sign that this was supposed to happen. It was a little blessing because the lord knew I was hot as hell and going through it; I needed the rain. I felt a sense of relief and contentment, which is all I wanted. Now, will I make this a weekly thing? Absolutely not; it's still an emotionally taxing aspect of my life I am working through. But can I make a conscious effort more times during the year? I can.

As I have matured, my perception of people and circumstances has evolved, allowing me to make significant changes in my life. Growing up without a father was undoubtedly a challenge that required substantial effort to come to terms with. However, when I started to view my father as a human being rather than just a "dad," it dawned on me that everyone does their best with their resources. I hope that this is the case for all individuals. When my father mentioned his parents' divorce, I shared this perspective with him, hoping it would bring him solace. As I reach 31, I am beginning to shift my mindset. I will no longer coerce individuals to stay in my life if they don't wish to, nor will I tolerate those who don't treat me with respect. Instead, I will cherish those genuinely interested in being a part of my life and approach things with an open heart. It's intriguing how life can suddenly change. On my first visit, I left feeling nothing but sorrow. However, after my most recent visit, I experienced contentment and validation that I am growing. In retrospect, I am grateful for everything that I have and all that I have lost.. …after all,

…heavy as the head that wears the crown.

Until next time y'all! Stay authentic!

God Spins the Block

Besides Spring approaching, the season of transition is here and strong as ever. More than that, everything is hitting at the same time. If you are anything like me, I cannot function with more than about one to three tabs open on my internal computer. Three tabs top! And that's pushing it. If I am going to be effective and ensure things are completed at 100%, up to one to two things at a time. Now with about five pretty big items on my plate-two of them that mean a lot to me damn near in the recycle bin, I am crashing.

I have to admit I was going against the universe. But change is here. As hard as it is, I must accept that this is where the cards are falling. As an anxious person who has to plan everything because, in my head, if I plan, it helps lowers the risk of disappointment. I am obviously wrong because regardless if you plan, where ever the chips fall they just do…and when things do not go as planned…I get triggered. I don’t even know why I waste my time. 

Lord, I really hope you spin the block on this one because sis is out here stressed, and my grays are popping out.

The fear of change I have acquired over the years has been a detriment to many of my decisions, and I don't know where the root derives from. The season I am in and all I am battling with, I am frightened to my core. The last time I remember feeling this shaken was years ago, leaving high school and attending college. At first, when college was on the table, I knew I was going away. I did not care. I saw it on TV. I was watching College Hill. Shannon was going away. I remember meeting my mentor in high school; senior year, we sat and filled out applications.

Syracuse was my number one choice, and when I got in, I was like, damn, I did the thang! It felt good my family was proud. Shoot, I was proud. I was the first person in my immediate family to embark on this journey. However, there was instant regret when it was time to go. It was my first time going away from home. All I ever knew was Brooklyn- my mother and grandmother were all I had, and I was leaving them. During my first few months away, my transition was tough. I was homesick. I didn't like how cold it was physically in Syracuse and internally in my body. I was alone and forced to really grow out of my comfort zone. I would call my mother every day in tears because I was uncomfortable looking for a way out.

It took about three months for me to really find my footing there. I didn't know then but reflecting now, I had to fall into that shit. I had to give it a chance by embracing the discomfort. By the Spring semester, I started to gain traction. I became okay with leaving who I was and embracing who I was becoming. I decided to stay. It became home, and I ended up loving everything about undergrad.

Second Case in point: When I was leaving Syracuse, I planned to go to Law school to become an attorney. Oh dear, this was a rough transition because now I'm like a fake adult but still not fully one at 21. Long behold, Shannon could not for the life of her get a decent score on her LSATs before graduation. I almost took myself out. Graduation was approaching. No job, no internship lined up. I took that bad boy twice and, for the sake of Jesus, could not score at least 165. When I say I was scoring 150 and lower and had the audacity to apply to NYU, Columbia, and Brooklyn Law which, at the time, you had to be damn near perfect, scoring 175-180. When I say blow to the ego, heart, brain, and everything, I was obliterated. How could high school valedictorian, dean's list 3.8 scholar, and prior district attorney intern not be good enough for law school? As a matter of fact, how could things not be set out for the hardest-working person in the room; I did everything as planned.What-the-what was happening here? It's the entitlement for me.

When I graduated and came home, I was at my lowest internally because I did not know what the hell I was doing for the first time in my life, and I did not know where to turn. It was one of the first disappointments of my career-building self and it took a toll on me. I got stuck. Remember the notion of being stuck.

Sidebar, in high school, I remember telling my best friend at the time. No idea if he even remembers this, but we are in Math B class with Mr. Yee. We would always talk about our future, and he would ask me where do you see yourself at 30 years old. The famous age, "30". We had to be about 16 at the time, and I remember telling him I would, for one, have my own Law Firm, Shannon and Associates :), married, living in Cali with my two kids and dog. He definitely laughed at me and said yeah, right. I remember the anguish I felt when he laughed; I was so mad at him. How are you going to pop my bubble like that? That's my dream. He dreamed of going to the NFL or being close to it as a sports agent—a whole Jamaican Bachelor. Crazy how God Spins the block right- In high school, we always competed because he was the star athlete. He never studied, aced all his exams, and just smiled his way through classes and not doing papers. My ass would dead be up studying and writing papers working, and we would end up with the same grades. Oh, that used to kill me, and I never understood it. Now, the crazy thing is he is the family man and has the dream job, or at least from what it seems …and I'm over here still trying to show up and be the best version of myself and constantly fighting with my dog and my shoes- definitely proud of him and his accomplishments. Still, I do not understand how we keep ending up in this loop.

But again, God Spins the block all the time, right? Looking back now, I realize a lot of what I was and currently going through; I definitely had to because then I would have never learned about this idea of ego. We tend to move out of it, making us think we're entitled to things. I should get it because I "plan" for something, right? Wrong. I had this mindset because I had all these accolades; even with a terrible LSAT score, I would have still gotten into these schools. NO! Number 1, I was stuck on staying in New York then. I was in such tunnel vision I limited myself. Like, girl! If you wanted to be an attorney and the opportunity presented itself in Iceland, you would have gone. Opportunities did present themselves, and I shut them down because it was not "a part of my plan." So, subconsciously did I want to go? I am not mad at my decisions then because of where it has led me to today and all that I acquired, the people I have experienced, the memories, the lessons, and the blessings. I also think about being ready for what we ask for in life. We always say what we want, but are we prepared for them? Are we mentally ready for what comes with the asks? Sometimes, we only think of what we want, but do we consider obtaining it? When we get it, how do you keep it? Am I prepared for all that I ask for?

So now, I'm in another season of transition, only now I am much older than before and obtained experience. But I caught myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of despair of why's and tears of the discomfort, which has led me to reflect again. It brought me back to a younger, innocent me because something has to give. This is where the inner work and accountability come in because sometimes it's not about anything else; it's literally about how we show up.

Change is inevitable. It's that one thing you know is constant, and yet transitions trigger the heck out of me? Why? It's really because I am unsure what will happen on the other side. None of us do. I usually tend to see things as black and white. Yes or no, but in retrospect, nothing is always that rigid. Resilience is an excellent way to think of maneuvering through life's transitions. Every encounter, whether you view it as good or bad (no judgments necessary), has molded us to show up differently. It's important to remember that. Especially as we are getting older, it's also important to feel how we feel, but we don't have to get stuck in it. That is my downfall; I get confused and stuck in that state. Remember, I said to remember about being stuck. It happens when I get stuck because I haven't figured it out. If it does not make sense to me (like a math problem), I can't move to the next thing, but actually, you can proceed. Even when it hurts, push a bit. Little by little. When you realize it and look back, you've moved far from where you started. I realized then I don't always have to wait for clarity to keep moving.

As I keep moving forward, even with the little steps, I asked to be prepared for everything coming my way as it becomes clearer…hence God spinning the block.