The In-Between
Every time there's a transition in the weather, there's some type of transition in my mind and heart as well.
Seasons are special whether we like it or not, and this in-between season, between summer and winter(fall), everything seems out of whack, but is it really? Let's get to talking…
For one, I have not worked out in about three months, so I am trying to regain my footing with that and being healthy. I have been alone. Well, there's Bella, who's my gal, but I have literally been alone more than any other time I can think of. Summer's over, so I have been in the house, baby. I started waking up in the weirdest hours at night: 2:13am, 3:10am, and 1:45am. Granted, one of these nights, my brother woke me out of my sleep playing his ass, but the other times-I just ended up tossing and turning, thinking, and this time, I just started capturing my thoughts…
There's a chill in the morning air, making me snuggle closer to the velvet blanket, and six pillows surrounding me. I look up at the ceiling fan and reflect, and I mumble, "Lord, what do you have in store for me?" In this self-discovery phase of my life, I have struggled with the notion of always being in control of things, and since time is of the essence, I have struggled with finding joy in my waiting season.
As we all know, waiting is never enjoyable, especially when you have a dream or vision of where your life should be. We've talked about this before: By the age of 28, I expected to be a successful attorney, married to my exceptional husband with children, and on the path to becoming a partner. However, life has taken a different turn from this vision...
Nonetheless, what happens when this dream, the one you have envisioned since you were five and prayed for, does not happen? You begin to wonder, am I praying hard enough? Does God hear me? Bruh, you even start questioning if you did something wrong because you did it right after all?- You finish school, get all the degrees, and show up as the best version you can, and still, this dream you have does not populate in real life…
The waiting season should not be too unfamiliar to anyone; whether we are waiting on the home of our dreams, the love of our life, children, or a job, it is difficult to wait. Faith is being tested at an all-time high, but lowkey, I think I am finding my footing with my in-between seasons. I had to really hone in and realize that just because it's not happening right now does not mean it will not happen. Timing is everything, and as you get closer to yourself and your spirituality- you realize how important it is. One, time waits on no one, and two, timing is key with everything. It is also about how we see things; we may want things in a specific way, not realizing we have received what we envisioned but in a different way. Lowkey, one of my prayers has been removing people not for me as I envisioned my life. Lo and behold, there are people that I would have always thought would be there suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. I just told you how secluded I have been recently, right? Being alone does not mean I am lonely; I am just vibrating on a level not everyone can be with me, which is okay.
The in-between season is more than just a period to endure; it is an opportunity to pursue my life. This involves discovering what makes me the healthiest, happiest, fullest, most present, most confident, and the best version of myself and allowing the right people, places, and things to come my way—in that order, honey. While I'm not a therapist, my ultimate aim is to understand myself and stay true to that. Self-awareness enables confident decision-making, prevents stagnation and fear, and fosters independence from others' opinions (especially when they don't even know themselves; come on, give me a break).
Let's ground ourselves in this in-between season, even though it feels like an eternity. Doing so will make us consistent and faithful and provide the stability necessary to pursue our endeavors- love, career, friendships, or fitness! I plan to stay grounded by being authentic. The plan is to Steady. I'll steady to be the person who speaks honestly, even when it's tough to hear, and speak with intention because, let's be real—things tend to slip out of my mouth. I'll steady myself to stop overthinking and trying to control everything (I'm a work in progress). I'll steady in writing because I need to reconnect with my passions! I'll own my areas for improvement and remain faithful that everything will come to me as I wait with open arms.
Stay steady and true, y'all!
-Shan