Unlabeled.

If another person calls me difficult, challenging, or too much, I may scream…

Why is it that when women, including myself, assert themselves, it's immediately labeled challenging or too much? And then, to add insult to injury, I was told, 'You're going to have a hard time with a man, much less finding a husband’—Ew.

Am I to believe that women are just going along with whatever, and am I the only one who isn't passive? There's no way!

I want to be clear: I am not one of those extreme feminists who think all men are terrible. I do not believe that at all. However, I also encounter similar attitudes from women. Once again, someone said, "Shan, you are just too difficult."

I think I am offended.

While I don't need validation of my identity or womanhood, being told that I am viewed as "challenging" affects me deeply. Having just completed a year of singleness after a seven-year long-term relationship, I'm on a journey to become a better version of myself. I always believe in reflection and there’s always room for improvement. I contacted some of my closest friends to explore this notion and understand how they perceive me. Do they see me as challenging? More specifically, what does that even mean? Is my quest for love and connection destined to fail because I am perceived as too complicated? What exactly is considered "too difficult"? Why does this perception even exist?

Let's dive in.

This idea of being a difficult woman is not a new nuance to the world, but recently, I have come across more than one person saying this. A little about me: I tend to say what's on my mind. If there is not a word to ever describe me, it's the word passive. I have large eyes; I see everything, and I tend to say what others want to say but may not say for whatever reason -Did you catch that?

I am a firm believer in showing up as your most authentic self and the same time, I do believe in time and place for confronting matters. I have also been working on how I say things because, let's not front. Your message can be great; however, if it's not said in the right space with the right tone, who's listening? I am a vulnerable person, or what I like to call a Sensitive Savage.

In the dating world, I have learned assertion is not always deemed "ladylike." Digging deep with this notion, I found most of the men I speak to and encounter would describe me as a "high-value woman" and no-nonsense, whatever that's supposed to mean. They reference my accolades, which are not everyday accomplishments. How I speak, dress— because sis gets busy with a broche on my left shoulder, and more of having my own. My mother has raised me to be independently equipped because, baby—One thing no one can ever say is my hand is out looking for someone to take care of me.

My friend specifically focused on material things and said, "look at the car you drive." Most people can't afford the things you think are basic. ( His thoughts and feelings—not mine.) Throughout our discussion, he seemed pretty uncomfortable, likely due to the intensity of my facial expressions. The way I think about it is: When someone sets a deadline, like saying something needs to be done by 9 PM, I will look at the clock. If 9:02 PM rolls around and that task remains incomplete, I'll inquire, "Didn't you say 9 PM?" According to my subject expert, this sort of questioning or "holding up a mirror" can be intimidating for many people. It can cause them to feel as though they are walking on eggshells, especially if they are unaccustomed to being held accountable. This tendency is often labeled challenging, as I frequently find myself going against the grain of the status quo.

As someone who enjoys exploring the human psyche, I often watch and read about love and how people connect. In particular, I find some reality TV shows good for the soul, and I enjoy Netflix's "Love is Blind." Season seven features Marissa and Ramses, and their storyline caught my attention. Some may agree, while others may not, but when Ramses tells Marissa that her "energy may be too much for him" and ends their engagement on the show, I immediately empathize with her heartbreak. She breaks down, visibly crushed, and Ramses also shows his emotions. Their journey continues into the reunion, where she discuss the concept of being "too much" for anyone and admits even after him saying she was too much, she continued sleeping with him —_—. While the show includes many complexities, this line made me reflect on feeling "too much," as I have been told this repeatedly.

I hated how she embodied being "too much" for Ramses as a depiction of being too much for anyone as a whole because her love life is not where societal norms deems it should be at her age. While feeling pretty low, she continues to sleep with him which confused me. This portrayal made her appear as if she was somehow inadequate or excessive instead of embracing the uniqueness of her.

I honestly do not think that "being too much" is even a real concept. Everyone is different and holds various qualities about themselves. Some people click instantaneously, and some people don't. We must remember that people come from multiple walks of life where trauma, experience, time, and capacity can really make or break how we show up for ourselves and our relationships.—However, not fitting in with someone does not mean they are too much or challenging; they just may not work for you. In today's norm and what we see in the media, men and women have to fit this stigma, and when they don't, it's as if something is "wrong" with them.

Again, this isn't a space where I bash men because women, too, have told me how "difficult I am" and that I will have a hard time being with any man. According to a female subject expert, it isn't about my looks; however, I tend to "not let things slide" and…drum roll, please… I am not submissive enough…-_-.

I just want to say, If I feel uncomfortable with any situation and that we haven't communicated about, I'm not willing to overlook them. If I don't advocate for my wants and needs, then who will? Communication is essential. How can we grow and learn together if we can't communicate effectively?

Sigh—this submission talk gets me going.

For those in the back, including women, submission is not solely a feminine trait. It is mutual and encompasses selflessness and humility. Both men and women can and should be submissive to each other in a safe environment, which includes emotional and physical safety.

To illustrate, think of a body: a head and a neck. The head is responsible for thinking and observing, while the neck supports the head and allows it to move in various directions. Similarly, men and women should approach relationships with this understanding. Each person plays an important role and must work together to thrive effectively. Submission is not something you do with anyone; it requires a safe foundation. To create an environment conducive to mutual submissiveness, you and your partner must demonstrate leadership within the relationship and responsibility to one another.

For someone who is deeply intentional about every facet of life, particularly when rebuilding self after experiencing heartbreak, being labeled as challenging or "too much" can be hurtful. Yet, I take great pride in embracing a unique, elevated energy that sets me apart. What indeed sends me to the moon is the realization that while people often impose expectations, they may not possess the emotional or mental tools necessary to fulfill their very own requests.

Ultimately, we should dismantle the stereotypes and stigmas that surround individuals, with a particular focus on women, in my case, black women—being too much or difficult. Long goes the days when my voice is not heard, once respectful. In this digital age, where most communication occurs behind the safety of a screen, it's perfectly acceptable to express oneself verbally, even if that expression doesn't align with what others are accustomed to hearing. Authenticity should be celebrated, not stifled. Moreover, just because individuals express themselves differently doesn't imply they are inherently difficult to understand or interact with. Often, perceived difficulties arise from our own unprocessed emotions or insecurities. Acknowledging that making someone feel like they are "too much" is not just unfair; it undermines their authenticity. Bottomline, if my personality or presence feels overwhelming to you, you should seek companionship that aligns more closely with your comfort zone.

As I leave these thoughts here, the labels "difficult," "challenging," or "too much" often reflect our internal struggles rather than a truthful assessment of the other person. We tend to compare ourselves too much with those around us, and when we encounter someone who is unapologetically different or dares to challenge the norms we hold dear, it can evoke feelings of inadequacy. Instead of taking the time to introspect and recognize that these feelings are rooted within us, we may mistakenly project our discomfort onto others. It's crucial to understand that the real challenge lies in our personal growth and self-awareness rather than in the behavior or differences of those we encounter.

So until then, kill the stigmas, do the inner work, and stay true and authentic!

XoXo,

Shan.