Session 32:

The birth of the new year opened up like fireworks indeed. It sparked a moment of deep reflection. I had to lay out my emotions like a spread for Sunday dinner; was it hate I felt?

Why was I so agitated? How could I navigate these feelings with honesty and finally find closure? Shit, I actually thought I found closure a year ago; what is this spilling out everywhere?

These were just some of the questions that were swirling around my head.

If I had to be honest with myself, I know my main feeling was hurt. I felt hurt because I still had a bubble of hope, not hate. Last I could remember, we didn't even have beef, so why couldn't he just tell me?

Even with the brief time apart and a love so deep (at least deep to me), we would find our way back; at least, I thought so.

It was hard to admit, but it's the truth. I knew we were no longer together; that was a given. Life was moving in ways, but in my heart, I just knew we would one day run back to each other.

I should have known that wouldn't be the case when weeks of reconnecting and well wishes turned into silence, and the pending blue paragraphs just sat there…um hello?

I was ghosted by the one person who swore no matter what would always be there.

If there's anything I have always been, I have always been a vessel of emotions. Learning how much moving on occurred knocked me right back to April 2023; no one could tell me my world was not ending.

January 2025 took me by my heels and spun me around like never before. I instantly isolated myself, a much-learned coping mechanism in my thirties. After about 14 days of morbidly crying my eyes out and ruminating over the news, I realized how much I was torturing myself when this was something I prayed for.

I prayed for all who didn't mean me well to be removed, and they disappeared.

I prayed to walk in the guidance set forth for my life, and I'm walking in it.

I prayed for what had let me go to leave, and they left. So why was I so upset?

Well because what I didn't anticipate was the struggle to accept and process these changes. I wasn't prepared for the reality that the person I once loved so deeply would no longer be in my life, and I didn't know how to cope with that. I didn't foresee the difficulty of forgiving myself for loving someone so profoundly, only to find that the love wasn't reciprocated even after the relationship ended—after all, "he just needed time” and prior to the ending wanting to “wait until marriage for having more children”.

Initially, I felt I wasn't good enough for him to commit to a future with me, but I quickly dismissed that thought. Then, I felt the urge to investigate his new woman and family, but I stopped myself. It took a lot out of me, but I really stopped myself.

It wasn't about her. It wasn't about winning or losing. It wasn't about the stories we made up together about how our lives would be or about him needing time. It was just what it was. It was about acceptance. He had moved on, and I needed to let go of him—for real this time.

When I first met him at 23, I did not know what I was in for. When I think about it, that was 10 years ago. I was a baby. I did not understand what trust, betrayal, or depth was. I didn't even know what love, like real love, was. Love like praying for you kind of love. Love like seeing yourself through their eyes kind of love. I did not know about pain or joy, which are types of love that vastly differ when you are in a romantic relationship. Fast forwarding into a seven-year relationship and everything in between…shit got real, then it ended, and it took a toll on me. Worked through it, and then it resurfaced …

Again, through my reflection, I am realizing grief is so real and has depth to it—highs and lows, if you will. There are so many things you can learn from it. Like a breakup is just the surface part of grieving. The part of not seeing the person anymore is one thing. Not being able to touch or call them. But the deep part of grief is when it creeps up on you months and years later and knocks the soul out of you. When they move on and start a family, that story you mapped out with them, and they begin writing it with someone else, is the intense part of grieving. The deep part of grief is what it teaches you about yourself. This grief reminds me of what I was willing and wanted to do with him. The dark places I was willing to be with him. That's the valley of grief. What it pushes you towards is finding yourself.

Grief reveals. It uncovered to me just how much I offered unconditional love to him. Through this reflection, I know he has never experienced a love so deep, and it can be a daunting realization. But it is through this love that he will love himself and another thoroughly; that is the God-given truth.

With everything we have been through in our relationship and how I showed up, I know I can finally let him and this go.

It finally clicked; I did what I was supposed to do. I get it now. It finally dawned on me that an ending is an invitation to know yourself deeper, on both ends; to witness your shadows, and to tend to the wounds you contributed to creating.

You see, God has a funny way of teaching you about yourself and who you are to become through love. It took me a while to understand that the love I experienced was not supposed to be a forever love or a love to return to. It was supposed to be a lesson in love—a love to return to me.

To think I was so naive to want to change who I was before breaks my heart now. You look back sometimes, and you're like I was tripping or you feel shame or even get angry for putting yourself on hiatus, but again, you have to stop. You did the best you could before with what you had. Now you know, do better.

The profound love I have for myself and who I am today cannot fathom being under-loved by anyone. Thank the lord for growth! Subconsciously, I was waiting for the world to bring us back together at some point again. But the world made me realize that you don't lose pieces of yourself in love. What leaves is what was truly never yours to keep.

So, in this weird, healed, unhealed healing time, I embrace the "what is and what isn't" and continue to leave my heart open for love for myself and others around me. (My lifelines- I thank you for holding me up in times when I didn’t have the strength to.) Because at the end of it all, you have to eventually stop wondering why things didn't work out. Clarity happens over time. Peace comes with choice and when you literally just let it go, especially when someone chooses to go, alignment happens.

So stay true and authentic y'all, and watch everything unfold the way it needs to because I’m finally off that ride.

Shannon