Saturn’s Return…
As the new year began, I found myself in this state of frustration.
Frustrated with many things, beginning with myself and not feeling like I am where I would like to be at this age…I know, I know, I need to stop with the timeline stuff. Frustrated with Ezpass and NYC because it's hectic out here with having a car and the amount of money it's draining out of my pockets. It's been costing literally hella funds to work or survive as an adult, especially as inflation is on the rise, and who the hell taught us about financial literacy?
It's frustrating that I haven't gotten a raise for how long. After all, I chose to opt out of private entities and work for city agencies because I believe in ‘public systems’ (you should see my face writing this). Because I have a dream…I want to work and make a change in the community (slaps my forehead)…yet there’s no raises, no COLA’s at least in my sector and i’m out here just winging it…I gotta make a change.
Frustrated with my leg because, oh yeah, I opened up the new year by opening up my kneecap. Frustrated because I felt like I have so much to say and couldn't get the words out. Frustrated with my creativity or lack thereof. Frustrated with love and my heart because I have so much of it bottled up inside of me and literally have no one to give it to. I just want to take care of somebody's son y’all (I'm cracking up as I write this; cues Shalamar's song, This Is for the Lover in You).
Frustrated with the world and its politics, crime, violence, racism, red tape, and everything in between, I just want to scream sometimes. I literally feel bad for my therapist because she just stares at me like Sis, I don't even know what to say to you except breathe.
I took a minute from drinking and everyone this month because I literally have been in this state for some weeks, and if there is one thing about me, I need to check myself because I do not want to rub off on anyone. Secondly, I have no idea what to do with it or myself. I call "it", "it" because I feel like if I can name "it," I can define "it". I can understand "it" and throw "it" away-once I dissect what the hell Is going on with me.
I have been just sitting in silence a lot, staring, really just trying to piece together all of my thoughts and not knowing how to explain this weird space I am in. I try reaching out to friends and family, but I am still unable to really put my space into words, which has frustrated me even more. I guess I realize everyone is in this weird space as well lately.
While I was home festering over my knee surgery, I found myself in and out of a lot of feelings, and before anyone can understand any of my rants, they gotta understand my passion, and to do that, I have to label how I'm feeling. So, for one, I have been feeling:
Hella alone:
The surgery opened up a ton of old and new feelings. Some about my breakup last year that shook my shit to the core. The last time my knee was shot- I wasn't single, and I had my person at that time help me through physical therapy and learning to move again. I felt hella vulnerable this time like I couldn't do it. I was grateful for my family, especially my mom and the friends who checked on me. It showed me that I didn't need any romantic relationship to get through this. I could depend on myself even when it was hard. I realized this time it's okay because I can label and pinpoint that it still hurts from time to time. I think it still stung though because of what I had hoped for then and how it ended up being. I had moments of wanting to be cuddled but refused to let self-pity take over-I think. I felt what I felt, which was hella uncomfortable, but I dealt with it…as best as possible.
Hella unfocused:
I just finished another degree, so my desire to do anything with school is the furthest thing from my mind; however, my passion for community and service drives me daily. I find myself still swooning through the woes of the past, career moves, investments, stocks, retirement, financial gains, marriage, children, traveling, and normative constructs. I am trying to make the best decisions for my life, and of course, there’s no blueprint, realizing I have to bust a move and take a risk. I need to choose one focus at a time, and everything else will all fall in line one after the other.
Hella closed off:
During 2023, I was maneuvering through various transitions new to my body and me. I literally kept moving. I didn't want to face the music of loss. I didn't even fully feel my pain when I think about it; I didn't want to. I also didn't want to sit in any discomfort. So, as I sat for the first time in months, I realized the silence began to bother me because I was forced to think about everything. So as I was sitting in my discomfort with my opened ass knee and heart, everything came crashing the hell in at once, pouring all over the place. Here comes the work.
Now, I have words that are just pouring out, feelings that are all over my nervous system, but they aren’t really making any sense. I needed to organize my thoughts. I needed to reorganize my mind and, in a sense, my life lord. First things first, not only did I need to rehabilitate this knee of mine, I needed to rehabilitate my mind. I needed to plan and prioritize. I began to welcome new people into my life, and I was amazed to find that some of them brought precisely what I needed during that time, a sense of calm and comfort.
Hella unhealthy:
When I think about health, I think about working out, movement, and nutrition; I also think about energy, people, and spirituality. As I lead heavily into my thirties, I lean heavily into prayer, good people, and balance. I realize slow ghosting, as our forever First Lady Michelle Obama has used, is an excellent ass tactic for energy works for me. Respectfully, if it doesn't align with all the G's…God, good vibes, looking good, good energy, and the good list continues… it can stay where it is, and I am moving along. There is no judgment; it just doesn't work for me. My prayers have become more intentional as I have asked to be refined. Removing all people and things that do not wish me well. As I continue to have this intentionality for myself, I have become closer to people I would have never dreamed of being closer to. People who I would have always thought would have been in my corner have been the most distant. In this refinement, I also ensure that I pray for preparation for all that I ask for because one thing I am learning, baby, I will not mishandle anything that is for me!
This month has been the longest month I have ever felt in a long time. Each day felt like a week, and as I settled in, I realized I was just grieving hella shit. As morbid as many people would say it is or I am, I think that's okay. Or hell, I am giving myself permission to slow down and just be; to grieve disappointment. To grieve where I thought I would be at the time of my life and who I thought I would be with. Grieving friendships that ended or how I thought it would have been.
I realized during this month there were hella peaks and pits, and I have been trying to love myself through the grief and each pit. Learning to love yourself through each pit is more challenging than you think because we have been conditioned to love only the highs and pretty things of life. Someone used to tell me you have to enjoy the process too. So let me feel the feelings I feel so I can go through the process of where I am because:
I was told I talk too much (Let me use these words and teach you something then)
Let’s grow because baby…I just CANNOT DEAL.
Finally, I am learning to clear away all the dust and make room for Saturn's Return because there is so much room for much more ahead.
Until next time y'all…Stay authentic.